Here’s the boys Charles will have attending the field for tomorrow’s friendly in Brazeeou:

Guard a Reds – Quim (Benfica) and Eduardo (Braga)

Defense and Attacking Wingers — Jose Bosingwa (Chelsea), Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea), Pepe (Real Madrid), Bruno Alves (Porto), Fernando Meira (Galatasaray of Turkey), Miguel (Valencia), and Rolando (Porto)

Midfielders — Cesar Peixoto (Braga), Deco (Chelsea), Raul Meireles (Porto), Joao Moutinho (Sporting), Maniche (Atletico Madrid), Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United), Tiago (Juventus), and Simao (Atletico Madrid)

Guys Who Stand Up Front But Rarely Score — Danny (Zenit St Petersburg of Russia), Nani (Manchester United), Hugo Almeida (Werder Bremen of Germany)

As you can see, he’s plenty happy dicking around with the group he’s got and I’m fine with that for the friendlies. He’s gotta find someone who can put the ball into the back of the net for fuck’s sake, and a match that doesn’t really count is a good place to start. Tiago makes his return along with two n00bs in the form of defender Rolando and midfielder Cesar Peixoto.

Possible Portuguesian Primary XI
Christ only knows what shit he’s planning on throwing up against the wall as far as the lineup is concerned. Inclusion of different players tells me he’s giving real thought to having them get a run out as subs are unlimited in friendlies.

Key Player
Whoever Scores – If anyone can manage a goal, or even, ::GASP:: two, they may earn themselves a closer look and more burn. Especially since this team can’t score to save Bosingwa’s unibrow at this point.

Tactics
This is a hard section to write not knowing for sure who he’s planning on running out there. An embarrassing loss (3-0) would probably be extremely devastating not only to the fans but to the players’ already fragile psyche. A goalless performance will also not provide any “light at the end of the tunnel” to our present run of poopy play.

Prediction
This game just feels like a 1 – 1 “meh” fest. I hope, for our sake, that we put a few together and get the Good Ship Porkychop headed in the right direction.

Força Portugal!!!!

Keepers: Quim (Benfica), Eduardo (Braga), Daniel Fernandes (Bochum, German Bundesliga)

Defenders: Bosingwa (Chelsea), Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea), Tonel (Sporting), Pepe (Real Madrid), Bruno Alves (Porto), Fernando Meira (Galatasaray, Turkish Süper Lig), Antunes (Roma, on loan to Lecce both of the Italian Serie A), and Miguel (Valencia, Spanish Liga)

Midfielders: Deco (Chelsea), Raul Meireles (Porto), Carlos Martins (Benfica), João Moutinho (Sporting) and Maniche (Atletico Madrid, Spanish Liga)

Forwards: Ricardo Quaresma (Internazionale, Italian Serie A), Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United), Danny (Zenit St. Petersburg of the Russian Premier League), Nani (Manchester United), Nuno Gomes (Benfica) Huge-Go Almeida (Werder Bremen, German Bundesliga), and Yannick (Sporting)

Crissy is back healthy so he takes Simmy Sabrosa’s spot and Quaresma has gotten back into the good graces of Portugal’s football hierarchy and thus takes over Pedro Mendes’ spot. Tonel, a central defender from Sporting gets his first shot since 2006 when he started in a qualifier for the most recent Euros against Borat’s home country. He takes Carvalho’s spot which is open due to injury. Deco is in the list but won’t be headed anywhere near the pitch as he’s injured as well. Soooo… Who’s the new starting XI?

Technical difficulties anyone? I think Queiroz started the match with the following XI, but I’m not sure because of the fantastic broadcast conditions:

Nani – Hugo Almeida – Simão
Deco – Carlos Martins – Raul Meireles
Antunes – Ricardo Carvalho – Pepe – Bosingwa
Quim

We ended up taking the three points with a 4-0 victory on an own goal by Maltan Said in the 24th minute and three second half goals from Hugo Almeida (60′), Simão (71′), and Nani (74′). I saw a total of six full motion minutes of this match as I was dealing both with a Tropical Storm cutting out my satellite as well as the shitty feed from Setanta.

However, what I DID see didn’t look all that impressive. It’s tough to play attacking, open football against obscenely defensive tactics, which Malta were playing. On the other hand, it’s obvious that the 2010 group is still a work in progress.

I like Queiroz being somewhat ballsy and throwing Antunes out there to get some real burn and I can’t wait until he’s able to step up to a free kick chance and show the absolute rocket ship he has for a left. Raul Meireles and Carlos Martins really do nothing for me yet and I’m waiting for one of them to have a match where I say “Wow.” In the end, we got the three points and are top of the table for now, so no real worries just yet.

I promise that the Denmark recap will be more thorough like the recaps in the past (assuming Setanta can set up a reliable feed from Lisbon).

Preview
It’s Charlie and Company’s first match that actually counts for something. In this case, the match in question happens to be Portugal’s opening qualifying match in Malta against, you guessed it, Malta. We go in odds on favorites and better come out huge winners. Crissy Ron is still out with surgery on his ankle and is aiming for an October return (last I heard), but much shouldn’t be made of his absence for this match as we had better STEAMROLL the Maltesianos. Three points is a fantastic thing to have out of the gates, especially given the way that the Selecção has made us shit our pants thoroughly in the past through bumpy qualifying stages.

It’s the ‘Your Guess is As Good As Mine’ Portuguesian Primary XI

Nani – Nuno Gomes – Simão
Deco – João Moutinho – Maniche
Antunes – Ricardo Carvalho – Pepe – Bosingwa
Quim

I’m slapping Antunes in on the left although I suspect Queiroz will go a bit more conservative and throw Miguel in to start. I don’t think you make a statement and bring back Maniche without the intention of starting him so I’ve also thrown him in there. You could hypothetically form this as a 4-2-3-1 with Nuno Gomes being the ‘1′ and Deco sliding into his spot, but for ease of use and precedent, I’ve listed it as a 4-3-3. Besides, Nuno’s not really a far up top type of striker. Actually, in my opinion, he’s not a striker at all really. To be called that you have to score goals.

Key Player
Deco , Midfielder – His form has been excellent for Chelsea aside from the occasional wild tackle. I’d put Maniche here but I’m not 10000% sure he’s going to start. Deco will be looking to orchestrate a number of midfield attacks and hopefully can replicate the magic he created in week one for Chelsea against Portsmouth (4-0 win).

Tactics
Without a true Trinco in the lineup, Maniche and Moutinho are going to have to work extra hard to get back and defend whatever forward runs Malta may create. Then again, maybe they won’t have to work that hard to get back much at all since I’m hoping Portugal will be spending 95% of the time on Malta’s side of the pitch. They had better blow the doors off this match so we can get some fresh blood out there with so many young guys on the bench and try to work out a solid group that we can rely on to put some fucking numbers on the board. Since the Faroe Islands match didn’t count, I’m not basing my tactical ideas on that but going forward, I’m sure we’ll have a clearer picture of how these dudes will be utilized on an individual and group basis.

Prediction
No offense, but… Malta? They had zero wins and only three points in their 2006 qualifying “run” to have them finish dead last in their group. This better be a statement match to scare the ever living shit out of the rest of the teams Portugal have drawn with…Portugal 7 – 0 Malta.

Força Portugal!!!!

Since you can probably afford to dick around with the lineup against Malta, I’d put the following players on the pitch in the following formation, with an explanation of tactics afterward:

My Completely Insane (maybe) Portuguesian Primary XI

Danny – Nani – Simão
Deco – João Moutinho – Maniche
Antunes – Pepe – Ricardo Carvalho – Bosingwa
Quim

See something missing? Yeah, no true striker is in the lineup. Since debutante Yannick and Hugo Almeida are the only true strikers in the team (sorry, Nuno, you haven’t been a “striker” for some time) I think this is an interesting way to attack Malta. The 4-6-0 formation isn’t a completely unheard of beast, as Luciano Spaletti’s Roma squad of a few years ago is credited with birthing it and some have suggested that Sir Alex Ferguson uses the same system to some degree at Manchester United.

If Malta aren’t disciplined or smart enough to run a zonal marking scheme, the creative players up front along with the crazy runs forward by Pepe and Bosingwa will be able to shred the defense, no matter how many players Malta wish to play back. The danger in a team trying the “park the bus” in front of the goal against this complement of Chops is that Bosingwa and Pepe will be more than happy to add to the attack while Ricky Carvalho and Antunes have a picnic of cheese sandwiches and Sagres with Quim. I don’t care if you have the entire population of Malta laying in front of the net at that point, it would be an attack that would be hard to keep under five goals… at the half.

So what do you think? Am I completely out of my mind? Should we play it safe, go with a standard formation and take the three points against the Maltese Falcons? Or should we be a bit dangerous and if it doesn’t work simply switch at the half? If you’re going to propose alternative formations, tactics, etc, please don’t guess at what you think Queiroz is going to do. We’ll do the more serious thinking later on in the week. For now, let’s fantasize about the formation like how I fantasize about your sister. Keep tissues by the keyboard, that’s what I do.

Keepers: Quim (Benfica), Eduardo (Braga), Daniel Fernandes (Bochum, German Bundesliga)

Defenders: Bosingwa (Chelsea), Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea), Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea), Pepe (Real Madrid), Bruno Alves (Porto), Fernando Meira (Galatasaray, Turkish Süper Lig), Antunes (Roma, on loan to Lecce both of the Italian Serie A), and Miguel (Valencia, Spanish Liga)

Midfielders: Deco (Chelsea), Pedro Mendes(Rangers, Scottish Premier League), Raul Meireles (Porto), Carlos Martins (Benfica), João Moutinho (Sporting) and Maniche (Atletico Madrid, Spanish Liga)

Forwards: Simão (Atletico Madrid), Danny (Zenit St. Petersburg of the Russian Premier League), Nani (Manchester United), Nuno Gomes (Benfica) Huge-Go Almeida (Werder Bremen, German Bundesliga), and Yannick (Sporting)

You read that right, bitches: Maniche is back. I’m glad that Queiroz didn’t jettison him into the far reaches of International Space. His past performances in a Portugal shirt have earned him the right to have another shot. Ronaldo is still nursing a bum ankle so he’s out and Dick Quaresma is a notable absence on the wing. Manuel Fernandes, who was included for the recent 5-0 friendly with the Faroe Islands, is also left out. Miguel Veloso hasn’t had much burn this offseason and will probably get another run out with the U21 squad.

Pedro Mendes, who has been called up previously, joins Yannick who will be making his first senior team International appearance with these two matches. Yannick’s recent form for Sporting makes this a well deserved distinction. I’ll be around tomorrow with some ideas about how to throw this team together and go after the first two qualifiers. For now, who’s your Starting XI?

Keepers: Quim (Benfica), Eduardo (Braga), Daniel Fernandes (Bochum, German Bundesliga)

Defenders: Bosingwa (Chelsea), Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea), Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea), Pepe (Real Madrid), Bruno Alves (Porto), Fernando Meira (Galatasaray, Turkish Süper Lig) and Antunes (Roma, on loan to Lecce both of the Italian Serie A)

Midfielders: Deco (Chelsea), Duda (Sevilla, on loan to Málaga both of the Spanish Liga), Raul Meireles (Porto), Carlos Martins (Benfica), João Moutinho (Sporting) and Manuel Fernandes (Valencia)

Forwards (loosely termed as there’s some wingers with the mids and some here): Simão (Atletico Madrid), Danny (FC Dynamo Moscow of the Russian Premier League), Nani (Manchester United), Nuno Gomes (Are you fucking serious?) and Huge-Go Almeida (Werder Bremen, German Bundesliga)

Crissy is obviously left out due to injury. Nuno Gomes is included due to the fact he has footage of every single Portuguese football official, coach, trainer, and director being violated by a hippopotamus. At this point, widespread blackmail is the only explanation for his inclusion.

Other notable people Charlie has chosen not to take are Ricardo Quaresma (who is in and out of the trainer’s room lately), Hélder Postiga (I’m a bit puzzled here), Maniche (meh), Miguel (meh), and Miguel Veloso (still dealing with an injury).

More importantly, what do YOU think? Who are you happy to see get a shot? Who do you still long to see on the list but still hasn’t gotten their turn yet? Did you orgasm as loudly as I did when you saw Ricardo wasn’t on the list? Did your sexual ecstasy then get ruined by Nuno Gomes’ name being there? Speak to me, my five loyal readers!

With Carlos doing his best Jorge Hamiltao impression, his back door room staff was revealed yesterday.

Queiroz is 5′7″ (1.70 m) tall (which is almost “giant” status for a Portuguese male), so if you’re really bored and get off on endeavors such as math, you can go ahead and try to figure out if the miniature hitman all the way to the right even breaks the 4′11″ (1.50 m) threshold.

From left to right we have Fernando “Simão wants his hair style back” Brassard, Carlos “The Coppertone Chop” Queiroz, Agostinho “The Toupée’” Oliveira, and José “Too Tall” Guilherme. Brassard was the keeper coach under Scolari and something tells me Charlie Q won’t have him all of the sudden working with the midfield. Oliveira was the stopgap replacement before Scolari took over and brings great hair replacement tips to the table. Guilherme will be counted on for his short stature so Queiroz can effectively draw out tactics in a group and have somewhere to rest his clipboard as he writes for illustration.